New Line Cinema's He's Just Not That Into You is an interminable, borderline-offensive morasse of annoying characters and vapid "truths," wrapped in the guise of a chick flick so puerile and reactionary that no self-respecting woman would ever want to see it.
He's Just Not That Into You Stars Scarlett Johansson, Justin Long
An introductory sequence sets the stage: a little boy (Trenton Rogers) pushes a little girl (Morgan Lily) into the dirt and tells her she smells like dog poo. When the girl goes crying to her mother, does Mommy drop-kick the bullying snot and sign up her princess for kung fu classes?
No. She tells her daughter that, "He did that because he secretly likes you."
Here's the real lesson of this film: men are insensitive jerks and women are suckers for punishment. But you're nothing unless you have a man.
Fast-forward to an interlocking group of caricatures, whose lives we're supposed to care about. There's the over-eager ditz who frightens off prospective suitors (Ginnifer Goodwin), the philandering husband (Bradley Cooper), the sexy siren who doesn't know what she wants (Scarlett Johansson), the "nice guy" who doesn't know when to quit (Kevin Connolly), and the commitment-phobic boob (Ben Affleck) who won't marry his long-time love (Jennifer Aniston).
Don't forget the magazine editor (producer Drew Barrymore) who has plenty of loving, supportive men in her life . . . but they're all gay.
Of course it's the guys' fault for being insensitive, and the women are passive victims, held hostage by their childhood training. It doesn't help that the characters are so underwritten (and there are so many of them) that there's no way the audience can fully appreciate why they act the way they do.
When bartender Alex (Justin Long) finally tells it like it is – "If a guy is actually attracted to you, he's going to make it happen" – there's a brief moment of euphoria. Finally, a breath of fresh air into all this moronic self-delusion! But subsequent events prove that he doesn't listen to his own advice. The guy who dared to tell the truth to a woman is just another insensitive jerk.
Even the gay men (the new Oracle of chick flicks) can't catch a break: one couple demonstrates how attraction works, but quickly adds, "Of course this has nothing to do with straight people."
He's Just Not That Into You: Insensitive Men, Annoying Women
This film is marketed as a romantic comedy, but its assessment of guys is dismal, and the women don't fare any better.
Whether Abby Kohn and Marc Silverstein's script intended to or not, the movie says these Pollyannas deserve their lousy lot. We're supposed to feel sorry for the good wife (Jennifer Connelly) who blames herself for her husband's infidelity but freaks over his relapse into smoking. It doesn't help that, according to the back story, she railroaded said husband into marrying her in the first place.
(Now there's a solid strategy, girls: emotionally blackmail your man into marrying you, and wonder why he starts to stray.)
The women also give each other lousy advice: whether it's encouraging one woman to seduce a married man, or keep pursuing a guy who's clearly wrong for her, it seems these ladies want their pals to be just as miserable as they are.
The Final Analysis
Somewhere in the 8th Circle of Hell, He's Just Not That Into You is playing on infinite repeat. It's supposed to be sympathetic to women, but it ends up insulting everyone. 1/10.
Dominic von Riedemann - Dominic is the Animated Film Feature Writer, and winner of 11 Suite 101 Editors' Choice Awards.
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